Best Gift Ever

Dear Grace,

Happy first Christmas. Happy first stocking hung by the chimney with care. Happy first twinkle in your eye from the lights on the tree. Happy first crinkle as you tear into wrapping paper like it is the best gift you’ve ever received. Happy first hug and kiss from a grateful mom and dad on Christmas morning.

You’ll come to know that I’ve been writing Christmas letters to your Father since we celebrated our first holiday together. Now, I have two special letters to write. I am blessed.

2011 changed my world. Transformed by a tiny person…. that’s you! Being a mother is the best Christmas present I could ever receive. Better than anything you could ever find wrapped under a tree. You bring me more joy than words can express. Watching you grow in every way, every day, makes my spirit dance.

Some of my favorite memories of you from 2011:
Being born. Holding you in my arms for the very first time. Seeing you look up at me with those loving eyes. The first time you smiled at me. Hearing you coo. Seeing you grow… quickly! Watching you snuggle with Daddy. Seeing you dance with Daddy, as your whole person comes alive to a song. Being there as you grow to love our family and especially watching you play with your cousins. Seeing the joy you bring to our families. Watching you try to stand and walk. Hearing you try to say words and babble those beautiful baby sounds. Watching your mind learn a million different things in a day. What a smart little girl you will be.
I am so proud to be your mother. I hope, one day, you’ll be proud to be my daughter. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
Love,
Mom

Halloween, teeth, snow and developing her inner diva

Grace was Winnie the Pooh and a pumpkin tutu wearing ballerina for her first Halloween. There are photos. Lots of photos of this milestone. All sure to be a source of red-faced embarassment when our little girl becomes a teenager.

But let's be honest, Halloween for a baby isn't really that exciting. We - the camera-toting parents (yes, I'm one of them)- dress them up for the photo op. They all seem a little uncomfortable and somewhat annoyed by it. They can't trick or treat because they can't walk and they have no idea how to ring a door bell. Most importantly, they can't eat candy. We let Grace touch it and she seemed to enjoy the crunchy paper wrappers. And her Dad ate enough for both of them.

Grace is on her way to biting into her first Reeses. She just got her first two teeth. We knew it was coming... with the slight increase in fussiness and the large increase in drool. It is truly amazing how much drool one small human can produce. Her first two teeth are on the bottom, right in the center. I think they already make her look different.

Grace also felt snow for the first time. The only good thing about snow in October was seeing her expression as we touched the snow to her face. We bundled her up in her beautiful new snowsuit and plopped her on the front lawn. The neighborhood kids pulled her around on a red sled. Grace just looked somewhat confused. Dad will explain the whole snow thing to her someday soon.

And Grace also turned eight months. I have no idea where the time has gone. I looked down at her and can barely recall the smushy little infant that weighed just 7 pounds 11 ounces at birth. Now, she's pushing 25 pounds, 27 inches and thinks she can walk.

At eight months, she's really starting to find her voice. She's loud and, at times, demanding. I think she's developing her leadership skills and maybe inner diva. She loves to make funny sounds, like her Dad. I guess I deserve a loud, chatty, babbling baby. My Dad fondly described me as having the "Carrie disease." The diagnosis was that I never stopped talking. I really didn't. Now, Grace "talks" all the time and comes closer and closer to saying real words. I swear the other day she looked at me and said "Ma, ma, ma." I cannot wait until she says it for real.

Or maybe I can wait. In fact, I want to wait. I want to hang onto and enjoy every second from now until the next milestone... the next moment of amazement. I just hope the memory box in my mind is big enough.

Our story... the beginning of your story

Mommy and Daddy falling in love. It's really the beginning of your story, Grace. Since we just celebrated our third wedding anniversary, it feels like the right time to tell you our story.

It all started at work. Sort of. For me, it started with the decision to change the direction of my life completely. One day, I decided it was time to leave behind a career in television news to become a lawyer. I knew from the time I was five that I wanted to be a lawyer. During law school, I needed to make some money to offset my enormous law school loan. So, I found my way to Daddy's work. He works at a big, fancy TV studio near Boston. You've been there and we'll visit again some day.

Daddy does the weather. Mommy wrote the stories and did a few other things. At first, I thought your father was just a big flirt. That's because he liked to chat with all the pretty ladies. He still does :) He had a sweet, sincere smile and a charming way about him. So, over time, I built up the courage to ask him out! Yes, I asked him. Not so traditional but then again, I never really was traditional. To be totally honest, I didn't ask him in person. I chickened out a bit and sent him an email. He said yes but said that he wasn't really looking for a relationship. That was okay with me, or so I thought. We both had some rocky times in our past attempts at love. But, when you find the right person, all that melts away. I found the right person.

A good man. A funny guy. A person who loves his family with all his heart. Warm and wonderful to be around. People who saw us together said they knew this was "it." And it was. A proposal on a beach in Puerto Rico. A wedding on the water in Newport. Then came you. And there's no doubt that our relationship is very different now.

You think you really love someone who you say "yes" as he's on bended knee. You think you really love someone when you say "I do." You know you really love someone when that love brings another human being into this world. A human being who teaches you just how big your heart can be. A little life who you pour your collective love into every day.

You are the product of our love and our commitment to each other. So, even though, now, it's not all about the date nights with the wonderful bottles of wine, or the trips to exciting places... it's worth every moment. You are worth every moment. One day, we hope you get to see for yourself just how much your mom and dad love each other too.

A place where everybody knows your name... "Baby Grace"

"Baby Grace" - as you are currently called on our Street- it is time to explain to you the special place where you live.

After Mommy and Daddy got married, we decided to move to the North Shore. This was after we each moved around - a lot. Mommy grew up here. Her family is all here. Daddy grew up two hours away but he loved Mommy so much and this area so much, that he agreed to move here too.

So, we looked for houses for a long time. At first, it seemed like nothing would be the right fit. Then, we saw our house. And we said, "there's no way that could be our home." It was perfect. Big white house with black shutters, a nice front porch and a pool in the backyard on a tree lined street. But somehow- with Grammy's real estate magic and Daddy's financial good sense- we managed to make it happen.

Little did we know that what the house looked like, would be the least exciting thing about living on our Street. On the day we signed the papers for our house, there was a big storm. It knocked down branches and damaged a car down the street. What a way for a meteorologist (that's Daddy) to greet the neighbors. But it got better!

You see, Grace, you live in a special place. It's hard to put exactly into words what makes it special but I'll try. It comes down to the people who live here. They embody the true meaning of "neighborly" and "community." Even before you were born, they were looking out for you. Shoveling the path & driveway when Daddy was at work and Mommy was too pregnant to help or dropping off homemade goodies. Then in the Spring, you were one of five beautiful babies born to families on our Street.

I've never lived anywhere like this... where most everybody knows your name and genuinely cares about the answer when they ask how you are. Where, even though people are very different, they all seem to enjoy each other's company.

There's something about driving down the street and waving hello to the people you pass by. There's something about seeing each other's children grow. There's something about sharing a glass of wine and a story about how life is going. There's something about watching other people go to work every day just to make life better for their families. There's something about watching other parent's stay home and raise their children to be the best people they can be. And there's something about helping each other through good times and bad times. We have certainly been on the receiving end of some amazing generosity.

So, even though the future could bring changes at anytime... because that is just how life is... Mommy and Daddy hope to stay here for a long time. We hope you get to run around and play with those other beautiful babies born on Bertram Street, along with all of the other wonderful children on the block. We hope you come to know the special feeling we get living here. We hope you will be grateful for this place someday too.

Cheers... to neighbors, community and calling a place home.

When it rains, it pours: The common cold, the stomach bug, & a broken hand for good measure

Well, Grace this blog was just about the common cold. Your first real cold.
But then it decided to pour on the Burnett household. There was the cold. We'll get to that. There was the stomach bug. And for good measure, there was Daddy's broken hand. We are having a rough couple of weeks.

First- the common cold. Yes, it was just a cold. But when you are a first time mom and you have to watch your five month old precious little baby sniffle and cough her way through it... your heart breaks.

To me, the common cold was not so common.
It's was days of her having to sleep sitting up which cannot be comfortable after awhile.
It's was days of a runny and congested nose that is raw and red and that she does not want me to wipe anymore.
It was days of having to stick a syringe ball into her nose while she looks up at you with those eyes of "Mommy - No!" "Not again."
It's was days of no sleep for Mom, as she woke herself up every couple hours trying to breath easier. (Side note- The exhaustion is almost worse than the very beginning because I'm back at work and there's no recovery time.)

And just because it was a cold, did not stop us from doing the first time parent thing and calling the doctor twice & visiting once, even though we know what they will say. "It just has to run its course. She'll be fine." (The picture attached is of Mommy & Baby smiling just after getting the all clear on the lungs and ears!) It didn't stop me from trying to sanitize every toy and surface she plays on or with. She does shove everything into her mouth, you know. It didn't stop me from becoming a hand washing dictator demanding that my poor husband scrub his paws all the time. And yes, I also fully realize this is just the beginning. She will no doubt be encountering every possible germ while playing with other little ones, going to school or just existing in this big wide world. It still doesn't change the experience of the first one.

The good news, Grace was on the mend, after nearly two weeks.
The bad news, this was all my fault! I gave it to her. I also infected my dear husband. Talk about mommy guilt in high gear. It's a struggle with that burning need to "fix it" but not being able to. I think this feeling with be a recurring theme. Fix it, I couldn't, but make her feel better along the way... my mission! I hope that I accomplished it. The mommy guilt will never go away, it just switches issues. I'll just do my best to make it my issue and not hers :)

Then the news got worse. Grace got the stomach bug. I'll spare you the details. But if I thought the cold was rough... the stomach bug broke my heart even more. But she's recovered from that, too!

And then the news got worse. Daddy played his heart out in a charity softball tournament with some Bruins players and made a diving catch... and snapped two bones in his hand. Now, he's on the bench, sort of. He's doing the best he can with one hand. Diapering with one hand. Feeding with one hand. Holding her with one hand. And this also means Mommy had to kick it into super Mommy gear. I haven't been this tired since Grace was born. But, you do what you have to do. And you remember, that no matter how dim it seems now, we are still blessed. We have amazing family, friends and neighbors who continually display what community is all about. The offers to help and the help have been heartwarming. Thank you all.

So with that, I'm wishing for brighter, easier days and I'm wishing you and your families good health!

Snapshots aside: Being present in the moment

One day before turning five months, Grace got her first hug from a little boy. It was a spontaneous squeeze by our truly adorable 1 1/2 year old neighbor, Lincoln. Grace's response - a sweet smooch on his cheek (well, it was really more like a slobbering face plant but he didn't seem to mind.)

Watching Grace interact with Lincoln and his big sister was a window into what is to come. She is becoming social. She is interacting with the world around her. I see it in all the little moments... like when she dances with her Dad, goes to touch my sister's face or roars with laughter when my Mom tickles her. And when the "hug" moment with Lincoln happened, his Mom, Chandlee, turned to me and said, "Where's the camera?" Neither of us had one. But looking back, I think I prefer it that way, though. It allowed us to be truly present in the moment- watching three innocent little people jump with joy on the side porch of our house on a perfect summer night. Jumping and hugging. Jumping and giggling. Jumping and smiling. Even Baby Grace, as she's known on our street.

Being present in the moment is something I am striving for. It's something I do not always achieve. I have this crazy compulsion, as so many other parents likely do, to pick up the camera and view the moment through the lens or create a moment, even when Grace may not be ready for primetime. Don't get me wrong, the camera is a necessary mommy accessory. It is recording some precious moments that we can look back on later. Moments we can use to embarass Grace when she graduates high school or gets married, if she does. Right now, A.J. and I have a running series of "Grace tries..." as we record her reactions to everything from eating bananas to sweet potatoes. Here's a sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdYtWp0xYmc

But I guess the challenge is to remember that the really special moments rarely happen when the camera's rolling. They happen when we fully engage in what life has laid out for us. So Grace, Mommy pledges to put down the camera more and, instead, use my free hand to stroke your beautiful chubby cheeks or hug you like Lincoln did... just because it felt good in that moment in time.

The motherhood experience: A changed view on the world

A beautiful two year old girl missing and then found dead. Her mother tried and acquitted of her murder. Just four months ago, I would have simply said, "That is so sad." I would have meant it but now, stories like this have a different, more visceral effect on me. I got sick to my stomach when the details of Caylee Anthony's murder were rehashed over and over again after the verdict in her mother's trial. I found myself thinking, I cannot let Grace out of my sight for five minutes without worrying... never mind days. I wondered how Casey Anthony could fail her daughter so badly, putting aside that she could have even possibly taken her life. Being a mother has forever changed the way I view the world.

And in listening to women- other mothers- react to this verdict; it became so clear that the threads which make up motherhood are a common, shared experience. No matter where you come from, what language you speak or religion you practice, being a mother is just that. The intense love you never knew you could feel. The desire to protect them until your last breath. The dreams you have for their future. (And yes, I realize that I am generalizing and that there are mothers who do not feel this way.)

In another headline grabbing case, a 12 year old girl was kidnapped and kept in a locked, backyard shed for 18 years. I watched a part of Jaycee Dugard's interview this week. I found myself with tears running down my face. She was asked what it was like to give birth alone in that backyard. She said it was painful but that that the baby was "perfect" and she knew she'd do anything to protect her. Her birth experience and mine could not have been more different but it illustrates how becoming a mother has common threads. We both think our babies are perfect and we would both do anything to protect them.

So, Grace... my beautiful, perfect, protected baby... Mommy's heart has changed forever. It is fuller with love than I could have ever imagined. But it is also full of worry and wonder about what lies ahead for you. As I mull over my feelings, I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this journey of motherhood. There are so many mothers who have gone before and have offered me - and continue to offer me- great wisdom for the road ahead. May we all cherish the every moment we are given with our children... like the one in this beautiful Independence Day sunset in this picture.

Passing on sisterhood: No traveling pants required

On a bright summer day, two little girls splash through the sprinkler in the backyard. They roar around the driveway on big wheels. They make tall castles in a green, turtle shaped sandbox. But they also pull hair and squabble over toys. They fight, they make-up, and they love... each other in a way only sisters can.

These are the memories of my childhood. I hope one day they will be the memories

of Grace Ann & Alexanda Lily. Two blessed, beautiful, and loved little girls. Life came full circle this week. One of my little sisters- Colleen- became a mother. Our babies are just three months apart.

As we welcome them into the world, we wait to see what their personalities will be. We wait to see if one will refuse to wear a dress, have a huge heart, and have no problem eating catepillars off the porch floor... like Colleen. Or if one will want to save the world, never stop talking, and hate to get dirty... like me. Maybe, if we are lucky, these two girls will have the best of both of us.

However they turn out to be... we will pass on the lessons of sisterhood. We will teach them to laugh, to love those who love them back, be kind, make mischief, keep their grandparents on their toes, pick out pretty dresses and play dress up, comb each other's hair (not cut it :), and play together like the sun will never set. One day, we'll watch them ride bikes together, fall down and get back up. We'll watch them go to school, learn, and become wise. We'll watch them have their heartbroken and then find the love of their lives. And maybe, just maybe, we'll be lucky enough to watch them become mothers themselves.

Sisterhood- whether it is by blood, friendship or circumstance- is a powerful, wonderful concept. Pass it on. Watch it grow. Keep in your heart.

I love you Colleen. You are already a fantastic mother. And Carol, I know one day, you will be too.

The bumps & bruises along the way: First trip to the ER

Grace,

When you are reading this much later in life, please know that Mommy did not mean for you to get hit in the head by a basketball at your very first Memorial Day cookout... at the tender age of 13 weeks. It came out of nowhere and the little girl who made the shot felt very, very bad. We took you to the ER and Mommy and Daddy spent the next several hours thinking of how inadequate we were in preventing this from happening. However, we were overjoyed when the ER doc pronounced you perfect in every way!

You were such a trooper. You cried for just a couple of minutes then started laughing and smiling your infectious, wonderful smile. I think it was one of my favorite smiles so far because it told me that you would be okay. I'm sure this will be just one of many bumps and bruises along the way but I'll never stop trying to prevent them and I'll never stop being there to wipe your tears away when they do. This is what mommys do. It is in the definition of mommyhood. Your pain is my pain. When you cry, I feel it in my heart and soul... even when it's just because you didn't get your way!

Sometimes it is the words of others who capture moments like this...
such as this quote from Elizabeth Stone- “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Or the advice from a friend and colleague:
1. They are stronger and tougher than they look.
2. They will always seem vulnerable to you.
3. Keep a good friend nearby to remind you how strong, healthy, happy and well-adjusted they are. -Marisol G.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband, family and friends around me to remind me that you are strong, healthy and happy... and hopefully always will be.

And since I cannot put you in a glass bubble or shield you from the dangers of the world, I think I'll turn to teaching you the tools you will need to survive, thrive and love despite the bumps and bruises along the way.

Love,
Mom

Transformation: Three months of firsts

Picture Caption: "I'm so talented that I can do three things at once- wave (sort of), sit in a chair (sort of) and shove my entire hand in my mouth (mastered)!" -Grace Ann, 3 months

Firsts. I am amazed by how many firsts there are and Grace Ann is only three months old.

It's overwhelming, really, just how quickly she is developing and how vital we are to making it happen. What an awesome responsibility. Turn a helpless, smushy, tiny human being into a loving, purposeful person. No pressure.

The "firsts" started the second she was born. Her first breath. Her first cry. A first sip of "milk." Then, a first look at her mother and father and hopefully, her first feeling of being loved. 

The transformation from those early hours in the hospital to just three months old is astonishing. She is becoming a little person with character all her own. Some of my current favorites. She loves to babble. "Ah goo" could be the cutest phrase ever. I never get tired of hearing it. She mimics sticking out her tongue. A friend and colleague wisely warns that I might regret teaching her that one day. She has mastered drinking the bottle and learned that if you leave a little bit of milk in your mouth, it makes a fun gurgling sound. She taken her first "roll" onto her left side. Rolling over may take awhile (take a look at the size of her and you'll understand why!) She stands, bounces and has learned to sit up a little. She has also learned to sleep through the night. When that happened, I decided there really was a higher power who I am eternally grateful to.

Most importantly, she has proudly shown us her first real laughs and smiles... the ones that are not the result of gas bubbles. And in her laughter and smile, I can see her love. She looks at me like I am the most amazing person in the world. It is like no look I have seen before. I'm not sure how I got so luckly. She also thinks I'm funny. I keep telling her that I'm not. She doesn't care. I'm her mom and there will be a day when she will not giggle at me or gaze at me that way... so for now, I will savor the moments and rest assured that, on some level, she knows that she is deeply loved.

Do you have a favorite first?  Feel free to "follow" this blog and leave a comment.

The end of maternity leave... heartache and inner turmoil

February 28, 2011, B.G. (Before Grace) There was no question in my mind- I was going back to work. I love my job. Really. It's why I went to law school.

May 17, 2011, A.G. (After Grace) I start crying everytime I think of it. The "it" being leaving our smiling, happy 11 week old baby girl who has changed my world forever.

I can recall conversations I had with friends and family prior to Grace arriving. It went something like this. Them: "Are you going back to work after the baby comes?" Me: "Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way. I could never stay home full time. I need to be challenged." I really had no idea.

Challenging is keeping Grace fed, clean, and happy... then doing it all over again the next day. All this on very little sleep. Challenging is helping our daughter learn language. I once scoffed at baby talk. Now, I understand why it is vital. Challenging is helping our daughter learn to bat at toys or grip a rattle. She can do both now. Challenging is figuring out what each cry means. The really crazy, loud ones... hunger. The hollow ones... totally faking it. Challenging is introducing her to the world and protecting her from it at the same time.

Going back to work has its merits. The biggest, of course, is the money. I have massive student loans and they don't pay for themselves. Also, I really enjoy my work and miss it very much. And, I want my daughter to see that her mother is professionally successful. I want her to have a great role model.

However, I want to be her mommy, too. I want to be there for every milestone... every new step she takes or smiles she smiles. The reality is that I cannot be there for everything. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to be there.

So, as I write this... my heart is breaking with every tick of the clock... with every day that brings me closer to the end of maternity leave.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what choice is right or wrong. I do know that Grace will be in good, loving hands when I am not with her. Her Dad, her grandparents, her aunties & uncles. We are blessed in that way.

And I'll remember the wise words of a brother-in-law who reminded me that even though I'm not present for every moment, I will still be the guiding light in her life.

New Meaning to Mother's Day

I am about to celebrate my very first Mother's day. What a profound moment. My daughter has changed my life- and me- forever.

Grace Ann Burnett entered the world on March 1, 2011. She was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 21 inches long. At two months, she is 14 pounds and 24 inches. A big, healthy, beautiful girl. I don't care what all those old women in the stores say...

So, at two months, of course, I believe she is a genius. She babbles. Her favorite current sound is "Ah goo." She is working on "Da Da" or at least her Dad would

like her to! She laughs. Not just when she is tickled but in response to a favorite toy or a friendly face. She cries. When she is hungry or needs a diaper change or for no reason at all. I know all of her cries. She moves. Kicks her legs, grabs her Dad's finger, and smiles. She eats. At first, with me. Now, with a bottle. (This is a whole other blog and a decision that I agonized over). She explores. Her world is so fascinating to her. I hope that never changes. She loves. Her Mom, Dad and our family.

As I reflect on becoming a mother, I realize that I have never cherished my own mother so much. She is the definition of unconditional love. I now know how she felt when she gazed down at me, rocking me to sleep. I look at my own daughter the same way. I will know Grace through virtually every moment of her life... just as she knows me. I will know every inch of Grace's face and every way it changes. I will know every laugh and expression. I will know every cry and every hurt. I will know her every hope and dream. The responsibility of being her mother is momentous. Knowing that this little person needs me (and her Dad!) so very much is a blessing. I hope that I am up to the challenge. I never want to fail her.

Do you have any reflections on motherhood? Please share.