February 28, 2011, B.G. (Before Grace) There was no question in my mind- I was going back to work. I love my job. Really. It's why I went to law school.
May 17, 2011, A.G. (After Grace) I start crying everytime I think of it. The "it" being leaving our smiling, happy 11 week old baby girl who has changed my world forever.
I can recall conversations I had with friends and family prior to Grace arriving. It went something like this. Them: "Are you going back to work after the baby comes?" Me: "Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way. I could never stay home full time. I need to be challenged." I really had no idea.
Challenging is keeping Grace fed, clean, and happy... then doing it all over again the next day. All this on very little sleep. Challenging is helping our daughter learn language. I once scoffed at baby talk. Now, I understand why it is vital. Challenging is helping our daughter learn to bat at toys or grip a rattle. She can do both now. Challenging is figuring out what each cry means. The really crazy, loud ones... hunger. The hollow ones... totally faking it. Challenging is introducing her to the world and protecting her from it at the same time.
Going back to work has its merits. The biggest, of course, is the money. I have massive student loans and they don't pay for themselves. Also, I really enjoy my work and miss it very much. And, I want my daughter to see that her mother is professionally successful. I want her to have a great role model.
However, I want to be her mommy, too. I want to be there for every milestone... every new step she takes or smiles she smiles. The reality is that I cannot be there for everything. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to be there.
So, as I write this... my heart is breaking with every tick of the clock... with every day that brings me closer to the end of maternity leave.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what choice is right or wrong. I do know that Grace will be in good, loving hands when I am not with her. Her Dad, her grandparents, her aunties & uncles. We are blessed in that way.
And I'll remember the wise words of a brother-in-law who reminded me that even though I'm not present for every moment, I will still be the guiding light in her life.
My heart breaks for you as I tear up reading you heart felt thoughts. Grace will always know you are there for her with your unconditional love. There is no right or wrong or easy answer. I am happy there is some comfort she will be with family. Grammy is so lucky to have a Grace day YAHOO very excited. Papou and Auntie Carol have another day. Auntie Colleen wants to play with Grace so very much and Grace will be with her new cousin. We will all work hard as a family to make sure Grace gets the very best love and care while you are away at work. Of course we are not mommy but will do our very best. I cannot imagine the pull on your heart. I was lucky enough to be home most of the time. Grammy always was there for you when I was not. It will be the same when you are away Grace's Grammy will be there. Dear baby Grace has changed all of our lives forever. I can say being a mother is the greatest gift in the world. I love all my children so so much. Carrie you are a amazing mother. Grace just light ups when she hears your voice. Carrie I love you so much and so very proud of the mother you are. I will be there for what ever you need. Love MOM
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