Transformation: Three months of firsts

Picture Caption: "I'm so talented that I can do three things at once- wave (sort of), sit in a chair (sort of) and shove my entire hand in my mouth (mastered)!" -Grace Ann, 3 months

Firsts. I am amazed by how many firsts there are and Grace Ann is only three months old.

It's overwhelming, really, just how quickly she is developing and how vital we are to making it happen. What an awesome responsibility. Turn a helpless, smushy, tiny human being into a loving, purposeful person. No pressure.

The "firsts" started the second she was born. Her first breath. Her first cry. A first sip of "milk." Then, a first look at her mother and father and hopefully, her first feeling of being loved. 

The transformation from those early hours in the hospital to just three months old is astonishing. She is becoming a little person with character all her own. Some of my current favorites. She loves to babble. "Ah goo" could be the cutest phrase ever. I never get tired of hearing it. She mimics sticking out her tongue. A friend and colleague wisely warns that I might regret teaching her that one day. She has mastered drinking the bottle and learned that if you leave a little bit of milk in your mouth, it makes a fun gurgling sound. She taken her first "roll" onto her left side. Rolling over may take awhile (take a look at the size of her and you'll understand why!) She stands, bounces and has learned to sit up a little. She has also learned to sleep through the night. When that happened, I decided there really was a higher power who I am eternally grateful to.

Most importantly, she has proudly shown us her first real laughs and smiles... the ones that are not the result of gas bubbles. And in her laughter and smile, I can see her love. She looks at me like I am the most amazing person in the world. It is like no look I have seen before. I'm not sure how I got so luckly. She also thinks I'm funny. I keep telling her that I'm not. She doesn't care. I'm her mom and there will be a day when she will not giggle at me or gaze at me that way... so for now, I will savor the moments and rest assured that, on some level, she knows that she is deeply loved.

Do you have a favorite first?  Feel free to "follow" this blog and leave a comment.

The end of maternity leave... heartache and inner turmoil

February 28, 2011, B.G. (Before Grace) There was no question in my mind- I was going back to work. I love my job. Really. It's why I went to law school.

May 17, 2011, A.G. (After Grace) I start crying everytime I think of it. The "it" being leaving our smiling, happy 11 week old baby girl who has changed my world forever.

I can recall conversations I had with friends and family prior to Grace arriving. It went something like this. Them: "Are you going back to work after the baby comes?" Me: "Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way. I could never stay home full time. I need to be challenged." I really had no idea.

Challenging is keeping Grace fed, clean, and happy... then doing it all over again the next day. All this on very little sleep. Challenging is helping our daughter learn language. I once scoffed at baby talk. Now, I understand why it is vital. Challenging is helping our daughter learn to bat at toys or grip a rattle. She can do both now. Challenging is figuring out what each cry means. The really crazy, loud ones... hunger. The hollow ones... totally faking it. Challenging is introducing her to the world and protecting her from it at the same time.

Going back to work has its merits. The biggest, of course, is the money. I have massive student loans and they don't pay for themselves. Also, I really enjoy my work and miss it very much. And, I want my daughter to see that her mother is professionally successful. I want her to have a great role model.

However, I want to be her mommy, too. I want to be there for every milestone... every new step she takes or smiles she smiles. The reality is that I cannot be there for everything. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to be there.

So, as I write this... my heart is breaking with every tick of the clock... with every day that brings me closer to the end of maternity leave.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what choice is right or wrong. I do know that Grace will be in good, loving hands when I am not with her. Her Dad, her grandparents, her aunties & uncles. We are blessed in that way.

And I'll remember the wise words of a brother-in-law who reminded me that even though I'm not present for every moment, I will still be the guiding light in her life.

New Meaning to Mother's Day

I am about to celebrate my very first Mother's day. What a profound moment. My daughter has changed my life- and me- forever.

Grace Ann Burnett entered the world on March 1, 2011. She was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 21 inches long. At two months, she is 14 pounds and 24 inches. A big, healthy, beautiful girl. I don't care what all those old women in the stores say...

So, at two months, of course, I believe she is a genius. She babbles. Her favorite current sound is "Ah goo." She is working on "Da Da" or at least her Dad would

like her to! She laughs. Not just when she is tickled but in response to a favorite toy or a friendly face. She cries. When she is hungry or needs a diaper change or for no reason at all. I know all of her cries. She moves. Kicks her legs, grabs her Dad's finger, and smiles. She eats. At first, with me. Now, with a bottle. (This is a whole other blog and a decision that I agonized over). She explores. Her world is so fascinating to her. I hope that never changes. She loves. Her Mom, Dad and our family.

As I reflect on becoming a mother, I realize that I have never cherished my own mother so much. She is the definition of unconditional love. I now know how she felt when she gazed down at me, rocking me to sleep. I look at my own daughter the same way. I will know Grace through virtually every moment of her life... just as she knows me. I will know every inch of Grace's face and every way it changes. I will know every laugh and expression. I will know every cry and every hurt. I will know her every hope and dream. The responsibility of being her mother is momentous. Knowing that this little person needs me (and her Dad!) so very much is a blessing. I hope that I am up to the challenge. I never want to fail her.

Do you have any reflections on motherhood? Please share.